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Author Topic: So I'm writing a story.  (Read 2811 times)

JERK

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So I'm writing a story.
« on: January 31, 2009, 05:12:50 PM »

Quote
This is it.  There's no turning back now.  Everything that's happened, it all seems like it's been leading up to this.  But he knows it hasn't.  Nobody could have seen this coming.  At least, not coming the way it did.  There were signs, sure, but they were misinterpreted.  The end, it all seems so...violent.

No time for soliloquizing.  He grasps at straws in his mind, looking for something to say, something meaningful, something an action star would say right before the final battle, but nothing comes to mind.  Words just don't cut it.  They never did.  He slaps a mag into his CETME and jumps over the wall.

It all started three days ago, on a brisk autumn day.  The birds were chirping, the sun was shining, and the leaves were a beautiful shade of orange.  But he paid no attention to this wonder of nature.  The events unfolding on TV had him hypnotized in that recliner, staring at the flickering screen.  "It wasn't our intention to-" "There was no way to know this would happ-" "We are taking every measure to-" "The public can rest assured that-" Click.  Every channel, the same bullshit.  Talking heads avoiding all blame, saying they're going to fix everything.  He was genuinely worried.  Not "big test" worried, or "life-or-death surgery" worried, just...worried.  A kind of worried that had no rhyme or reason, just an immense feeling of dread with no hope in sight.  The kind of gut feeling that you get when nothing is going to be all right.  He suddenly got up and dashed to his gun safe.  Something was going down, he just didn't know what.  He looked out the window, longingly wishing to be as carefree as a leaf, gently floating off the tree before setting softly on the ground.

Then the bombs fell.

That was the first part.  Critique me you nerds.
« Last Edit: January 31, 2009, 05:15:32 PM by Emmzee »
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Bij Man

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Re: So I'm writing a story.
« Reply #1 on: January 31, 2009, 05:17:39 PM »

Who is he?  Needs a description of who exactly the character is/looks like/etc. to get a generally feel for him, so that we can be able to connect to him in some way. 

Also, the line "No time for soliloquizing." annoys me for some reason.  If it were me, I would write "No time for a soliloquy." 
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is dat sum gud ol' MC spirit?

Spyrix

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Re: So I'm writing a story.
« Reply #2 on: January 31, 2009, 05:21:19 PM »

*CRITIQUE ALERT*
I like it so far. It seems you've got an epic story in the works.
The only thing I don't like though is that the first two paragraphs seem kind of vague. I know that they're suppose to be vague, but I think that you could have given us some idea of what the character was doing while he thought those words. Maybe something like:

This is it.  There's no turning back now.  Everything that's happened, it all seems like it's been leading up to this.  But he knows it hasn't.  Nobody could have seen this coming.  At least, not coming the way it did.  There were signs, sure, but they were misinterpreted.  The end, it all seems so...violent. He tightened his grip on the gun as he entered the nuclear reactor.

« Last Edit: January 31, 2009, 05:24:51 PM by Spyrix »
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JERK

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Re: So I'm writing a story.
« Reply #3 on: January 31, 2009, 05:34:20 PM »

Who is he?  Needs a description of who exactly the character is/looks like/etc. to get a generally feel for him, so that we can be able to connect to him in some way. 
I'll get to that.  I'm trying to put up an aura of mystery that draws the reader in and forces them to use their imagination.

*CRITIQUE ALERT*
I like it so far. It seems you've got an epic story in the works.
The only thing I don't like though is that the first two paragraphs seem kind of vague. I know that they're suppose to be vague, but I think that you could have given us some idea of what the character was doing while he thought those words.

It's supposed to be claustrophobic, as if the reader is really in the protagonist's mind.  You're intentionally being kept in the dark in order to build dramatic tension.

Quote
This is it.  There's no turning back now.  Everything that's happened, it all seems like it's been leading up to this.  But he knows it hasn't.  Nobody could have seen this coming.  At least, not coming the way it did.  There were signs, sure, but they were misinterpreted.  The end, it all seems so...violent. He tightened his grip on the gun as he entered the nuclear reactor.
That's stupid.  You don't know where I'm going with this.
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Luminous Cube

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Re: So I'm writing a story.
« Reply #4 on: January 31, 2009, 06:10:46 PM »

I kinda like it.
Normally I'm a big fan of intentionally short sentences, but I think you've used too many for it to be truly effective. Other than that, it sounds good.
I especially like the "Then the bombs fell." line.

Edited because I'm a spastic.
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Domdog

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Re: So I'm writing a story.
« Reply #5 on: January 31, 2009, 06:18:55 PM »

Pretty good.

In my mind, the main character is Limp Bizkit.
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Re: So I'm writing a story.
« Reply #6 on: January 31, 2009, 06:22:58 PM »

* Jack finds a pair of binoculars and stares down this thread from the Nonsequitur.
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Life Coach Bull

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Re: So I'm writing a story.
« Reply #7 on: February 01, 2009, 03:33:18 AM »

I hate it.
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JERK

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Re: So I'm writing a story.
« Reply #8 on: February 01, 2009, 05:02:33 AM »

Why?
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Return of the Gaz

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Re: So I'm writing a story.
« Reply #9 on: February 01, 2009, 05:04:33 AM »

For the purposes of trolling, one would presume.

(ITT: Irony)
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Setting something on fire should always be an option

JERK

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Re: So I'm writing a story.
« Reply #10 on: February 01, 2009, 05:20:37 AM »

For the purposes of trolling, one would presume.

(ITT: Irony)
It would only be ironic if I had written the story for the purposes of trolling.
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Domdog

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Re: So I'm writing a story.
« Reply #11 on: February 01, 2009, 05:22:03 AM »

I thought all of your post were solely for trolling.
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Re: So I'm writing a story.
« Reply #12 on: February 01, 2009, 05:28:23 AM »

And thus a valuable life lesson was learned; play the clown every day and no-one will take you seriously.
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JERK

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Re: So I'm writing a story.
« Reply #13 on: February 01, 2009, 05:35:50 AM »

If you can't tell the difference between my trolling and non-trolling posts, you are fucking blind.

This is a non-trolling post.
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Domdog

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Re: So I'm writing a story.
« Reply #14 on: February 01, 2009, 05:37:09 AM »

This is a non-trolling post.

That's exactly what a witchalok troll would say!
« Last Edit: February 01, 2009, 05:41:48 AM by Domdog »
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