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Author Topic: Uncle Koltreg's Story Cottage Carnival  (Read 1904 times)

Koltreg

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Uncle Koltreg's Story Cottage Carnival
« on: October 25, 2008, 04:12:28 AM »

Twas a fair day in the valley kingdom of Fairsbourough and the people all smiled happily. They knew from their calendars that soon the day of kings festival would arrive. The King used part of their tax money to fund a week long festival of food, booze, contests, booze, dancing, booze and more booze. The people knew from the past that everybody from the smallest child to the oldest senior citizen would get plastered off their ass. The biggest part of the festival was the ceremonial drinking contest, a contest in which about 20 people would sit around the ceremonial table and then do their best to not pass out or die of liver failure. The winner got a mule, a cart, a broadsword and a free trip to the detox clinic (which was really a bunch of leeches put on the person's stomach.) People from all over the kingdom would come and sometimes a Chinese man would come too (before being removed from the town while tied to a rode spike).
Finally the festival came and the streets were filled with people, suds and a sickening stench of puke. After a few hours, the judges for the drinking contest were so out of it, they decided to hold it immediately and grabbed people off the streets. Within minutes all but two of the contestants were out and the two who were still in were legends in the town already, Wendy, the bipolar school teacher and Chuck, the fisherman who discovered that you could brew anything to make it alcoholic.
They sat at the ceremonial table each on their 11th beer feeling their emotions and inhibitions start to slip away. Wendy looked at Chuck with a loving look in her eyes and then Chuck returned the favor. Then Wendy cut him in the jugular and won the contest.
The moral of the story is, bipolar people have been known to kill when drunk.

Next time: Theodore the Malnutritionist and the King
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Return of the Gaz

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Re: Uncle Koltreg's Story Cottage Carnival
« Reply #1 on: October 25, 2008, 04:35:34 AM »

I am going to say well done to you for writing that. Well done.
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Setting something on fire should always be an option

Koltreg

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Re: Uncle Koltreg's Story Cottage Carnival
« Reply #2 on: October 25, 2008, 04:41:30 AM »

I am so out of it right now....

 ::awesome::

fuuuuu....zzzz
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Koltreg

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Re: Uncle Koltreg's Story Cottage Carnival
« Reply #3 on: October 26, 2008, 12:14:34 AM »

The King of South was not too happy. In fact his day was really crappy. The rhymes ended and the economy soon failed afterwards. The Kings wife was a cold hard bitch who was probably made out of that dark iron you in RPGs forged in hell that somehow deals cold damage. You know what I mean.
Anyway, the King had been put on a diet and his royal treats were all hidden away. The king grew fitter and fitter until he flew into a fit of fitness and then thought of a plan. He called the most attractive men from the kingdom to steal his wife and trap her by tricking her with a fake cruise or resort of something.
Once he was out of the picture though, the king couldn't find his snacks. He couldn't find his nutter butters, nutty bars or nutzi crunch. Couldn't find his pop rocks, taffy, crack cocaine or gummy lunch. Couldn't find his candy and so he set out a reward. Half his kingdom to anyone who could get him some more.
Now Theodore was a Malnutrionist, a purveyor of sugary treats. Some hypnotic, some erotic, especially rotating gummy teats. He heard the plight and came quite quickly and soon the King felt rather sickly. As the King soon found out, Theodore was also an assassin sent by his wife to kill him if he tried to find treats.
The moral of the story is, kill your wife or she'll probably kill you.

Next time: Heyzeus and the depressed ninja
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Coroidan

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Re: Uncle Koltreg's Story Cottage Carnival
« Reply #4 on: October 26, 2008, 12:22:01 AM »

Haha, I loved reading these! You should do a bunch then get them illustrated like a proper childrens nursery rhyme book.
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Koltreg

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Re: Uncle Koltreg's Story Cottage Carnival
« Reply #5 on: October 26, 2008, 02:07:17 AM »

Ninja 12 grew up in a little town where everyone had a little frown. The frowns you see were caused by a tree, a goddamn bastard of a tree that would basically flail you to death if you looked at it funny. It even attack a retirement community. So the people of the Downtown changed their name to Frowntown and we given depressants on a daily basis. Ninja 12 was different though, he loved to sing and had a soul. The people of Frowntown warned him greatly," The tree will flail you if you joy increases greatly." Still Ninja 12 did not care till he came out night to talk the the tree.
"Oh great tree, my name is Ninja 12, why do you hate smiles and make this place a living hell?"
The tree, named Heyzeus was touched by his plea and shed a tear. The tree reached out its arms to hug Ninja 12. Then cheap contract workers from Mexico came in and removed it from the premises. The people were allowed to be happy again and Ninja 12 died of lung cancer.
The moral of the story is, if you keep pissing people off they'll team up to kill you.

Next time: The Intrepid Journalist and The Dragon Soldier
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Koltreg

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Re: Uncle Koltreg's Story Cottage Carnival
« Reply #6 on: November 18, 2008, 03:46:33 AM »

Twas a bright day in Elder Spine Forest as the Intrepid Journalist ventured into the deep and dark and deeper woods that were dark like the mans soul. The soul that leaves men staring at their ceilings at night because they can't sleep or even make it with women. Anyways, the Journalist was looking for a scoop or something. Maybe a girl. I think he was pretty horny after getting cockblocked by a bunch of imps (those dirty motherfuckers). That's a story for a few lines down.


He wanted to bone this girl but she was in a relationship. He got her wasted and then 7 crap-nugget mining dwarves basically grabbed her probably for some sort of orgy back at their house. Honestly, dwarves do some weird ass shit. It's like, they fele obligated to make up what they lack in stature with some sort of orgy prowess. Its pretty messed up.

Anyway, he was damn horny and looking for something when all of a sudden he ran into a Dragon Soldier wearing leather armor so he could use abilities without a major dexterity penalty. Its pretty important, you know. The Intrepid Journalist looked at the Dragon Soldier and was like, "You got my money?" The Dragon Soldier had totally spent that money he owed the Journalist on some lunch and was broke so he flew away into the sky. The Intrepid Journalist suddenly had an idea so he ran home and wrote an article that was critical and that lambasted the Dragon Army. Then he forgot he was totally tripping out on drugs and tried to fly and killed himself hitting the ground.
The moral of the story is, NaNoWriMo is too much of a hassle with classes and no set sleeping system.

Next time: My Penis and Your Mom The Gallivanting Knight and the Tricky Raccoon
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Koltreg

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Re: Uncle Koltreg's Story Cottage Carnival
« Reply #7 on: December 03, 2008, 12:27:25 AM »

Once upon a time, there was a turtle and a tax accountant. The tax accountant worked all year long filing and accounting for taxes for his customers. His customers were happy because the work was always done perfectly. Little did he know though, that a new tax accounting firm had opened up run by the King of All Turtles. The Turtle King began pulling in all sorts of customers with big names and getting major press releases. The other people heard about all of these customers for the Turtle King and so they left the tax accountant. The tax accountant saw his customers leaving but he chuckled. His work for his customers was completed early and he went home and ate his meal of humble pie and justice juice. Then it came to the week before the tax forms were due. The Turtle King had fallen behind doing all of his work and it was already 2 in the morning. He suddenly heard the phone ring and he picked it up. Suddenly a horde a zombie barbarians came through the town destroying all. The End.

yeah
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Texas Ninja

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Re: Uncle Koltreg's Story Cottage Carnival
« Reply #8 on: December 03, 2008, 12:16:13 PM »

What happened to The Gallivanting Knight and the Tricky Racoon?
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Koltreg

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Re: Uncle Koltreg's Story Cottage Carnival
« Reply #9 on: December 03, 2008, 08:56:24 PM »

Nobody responded to the last one.

You get this for now though. I shall from now on, every once in a while post a chapter of my new book "Crepuscular Light."

Julioet looked around caused she was feeling nothing except the deep dark longing that she shouldn't have been familiar with at all. I mean, she's like 17. She hadn't seen her parents die. Hellcraps of the furies, nobody she knew had died. In fact, she lived in a well off enough family that she didn't need to fight. Like, what the fuck. She's just some emo snobby bitch who was sad. She looked out the window and wished it was rainy so that the outside could match her shitty feelings.
Okay dammit, she really might as well start cutting herself cause she's really pissing me off. I mean, its fine if you feel down every once in a while. I mean, if you have Seasonal Affect Disorder, it makes since but varolack crap, she's just so damn emo.
Suddenly outside she saw a family movie in across the street. She honestly didn't give a care. Then she saw they had a teenage son and she was suddenly interested. It just doesn't make sense. I mean, she saw the guy from a distance so she can't even be sure if he's that good looking. And you know, she's probably going to go out the door and run down to meet him. Yeah, Julioet got off her bed and then ran out of the house. She didn't even talk to her parents but then again they are probably too busy shopping at some superstore betraying the values of their ancestors and the hardworking people. Shitballs.
She crossed the street causing several cars to push on the breaks to avoid hitting the whore. I mean, she goes out wearing barely anything and she paid like, $400 for that outfit? Might as well buy fabric scraps and save money. And its all an act because she is so pristine in her attitude that guys don't even approach her. Mixed signals you goddamn harlot!
She saw the family unpacking and she did the best to get the boy's attention. He looked over and set down the box before coming over. Frankly if he doesn't tell her to fuck off since he's working, I'll be pissed.
"Hey," said the boy totally pissing me off. I mean, aren't I writing this crap? He should stab her in the face. I mean she's probably giving out this slutty moron emo aura thats the color of bullshit which is just what she is.
"You new to the neighborhood?" she said in her annoying stupid doodoo voice.
"Yeah, my dad moved me across the country to this small town," he said expositionally.
"I'm Julioet Sue," she said being a jerk.
"I'm Asskicker von Frankenstein," he said and as he said his name lighting flashed across the sky and some other montage of events happened.
"We should get to know each other better," she said grabbing his green rotting arm cause he's a damn Frankenstein Monster! Didn't see that coming. Better than a vampire. I mean, vampires are pretty much fruits nowadays.
"Do you smoke?" she said pulling out a lighter and a pack of cigarettes cause she wants to spend tons of cash killing herself. She got a flame out of the lighter and all of a sudden Asskicker began going crazy. I frankly hope he punches her in the face.
He punched her in the face. (yeah!) Then she blacked out.
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Hlavco

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Re: Uncle Koltreg's Story Cottage Carnival
« Reply #10 on: December 03, 2008, 10:02:43 PM »

At first I thought you meant that across the street there was a teenage boy watching a family movie.
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Koltreg

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Re: Uncle Koltreg's Story Cottage Carnival
« Reply #11 on: December 03, 2008, 10:05:33 PM »

 ::awesome::
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