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[Bij Man]

Ever wondered what exactly it is I'm doing out here in beautiful, mountainous, insurgent filled Afghani-land?  Well, wonder no more inquisitive person!  Here's some insight on what my very interesting deployment has been like so far.  Let's start it off with a classy story.

So there I was, writing an e-mail reply to one of my many bosses when the door to my workshop opens and my co-worker, Corporal T, walks in with a face that is half "I just saw a ghost", half "What the fuck" and half "Ha ha ha, epic lulz".  He quickly puts down his rifle and turns to all of us in the shop, doing what seems to be his best Nicolas Cage impression.  "You won't believe what just happened to me," he exclaims. 

"I was taking care of business in the porta-johns [A portable toilet stall for non-Americans - Ed.], minding my own business, when all of a sudden, I hear the sound of boots pounding against the ground like thunder.  They are quickly approaching my stall and the boots stop with a loud thud in front of my stall, followed immediately by a strong pull on the door blocking me from the outside world."  Corporal T takes a moment to take a breath and sit down, now smiling.  "I tell the guy that this one is occupied and the guy outside apologizes, moving on the next stall to my left.  He opens and slams the door shut, locking himself in his very own porta-john world.  Things go quiet and I go back to resuming my peaceful shit."  Now he is back on his feet, very animated and lively in his telling of the story.  Everyone in the shop has stopped what they are doing now, totally enthralled with his story.

"Then, I start to hear this noise from next door," he says, a strange looking smile on his face.  "I soon realize that the guy next door is grunting and it is getting louder and louder.  I'm starting to get freaked out now."  Cpl T now takes his right hand and positions it near his crotch area.  "And then, I hear it.  'Yeah, yeah, take that penis!'"  He emphasizes the words by jerking off the empty space in front of his groin and contorting his face with anger to act out the event.  At this point, at least two of the Marines in the shop have now yelled out WHAT THE FUCK! while the rest of us are laughing so hard we're crying.  We ask Cpl T if the guy was talking to him about 'taking that penis'.  "I don't fucking know," he shouts.  "I got the fuck out of there as quickly as I could after I heard that shit."  We all wonder how sick and desperate you have to be to make a mad dash for a porta-john stall just to jerk one out in the middle of the day, which luckily, none of us ever find out.

Good times. 

Next time: Short conversations!

[Prinny]

That was the best story ever.

[Domdog]

That's...fairly disturbing / amazing.

[Golden Joe]

MORE.

[Texas Ninja]

And we find out Golden Joe likes stories about masturbation in toilets.  Glad to see some interesting work stories.

[Bij Man]

Short conversations will now commence.  Names have been changed to protect those who are extremely guilty of saying incredibly dumb shit.  Okay, let's go:

[Talking about the movie 'Inglorious Basterds']
The Facilitator (one of my bosses): "They had the part when the guy gets beaten to death with a bat."
The Hater: "Yeah... that was pretty hot."

Bad Cat (that's me): "G-man, explain what King's Cup is to Brown Clown."
Brown Clown: "Wait, is that the two girls shitting in a cup?"

[Talking about hot chicks with above average butts]
Chubs: "Man, I would eat a Snack Pack outta' her butt.
Bad Cat: "You know, you're going to start a whole new fetish with this Snack Pack stuff."
Chubs: "Yeah, a delicious fetish!"

Chubs: "Hater, didn't you ever play Red Rover when you were in Elementary School?"
Hater: "Is that the game where you jerk off?"

Bad Cat: "Okay Big Daddy, show her your stupid tracker with all the girls and their lack of clothing."
Big Daddy: "Nice, right Guns?"
Guns (female boss): "All those girl are fake.  They've been airbrushed and had a shit load of make up put on them.  I would know."
[Bad Cat & Big Daddy stare at each other with a "WTF" face]
Guns: "I know what I'm talking about, I've had sexy photos of me taken too!"  [Grabs her breasts]  "They made these bad boys look like they went from A's to C's!"
[Bad Cat/Big Daddy are now times infinity]

[Opening a new care package from a friend back home]
Bad Cat: "Ah sweet, check it out, I got 2 lbs. bag of Tootsie Rolls." [Digs deeper] "And a blonde girl wig with ponytails..."
Chubs: "You know what that means."
[Bad Cat & Chubs start modeling and taking pictures of each other in the wig]



Yes, Bad Cat is my real nickname out here.  No, I won't tell you how I got it.   

[Tiemoow]

You punched a misbehaving woman in the vag.

How awesome is your average care package?

[Bij Man]

How awesome is your average care package?

They are all okay, except for this one guy, code name: Rig Dawg.  He sends us the most random ass shit ever.  Like kitchen knives, delivery menus from local restaurants, random glass jars filled with coffee grounds, crazy stories of him fucking hookers in Thailand, and old patrol reports from Vietnam.  He's super crazy, but also crazy awesome.

And now, here is what happens when you leave your work e-mail open for people to abuse:


From: Cpl T
Sent: Friday, October 22, 2010 12:50
To: People
Subject: Guess What

I think kissing girls is icky and they have cooties.  Plus they’re not hairy enough for my tastes.

Lolol,
Cpl "Mr. T" T



From: Sgt No Ma'am
Sent: Sunday, November 14, 2010 08:28
To: More People
Subject: Open Invitation

Hey Guyssssss!

You know, after these last few weeks here, I feel like we’ve all REALLY connected and bonded.  You guys are my bestest buds in the whole world.  Such good buds, that I would give you guys a nice, deep, sensual massage if you ever needed one.  Some of you look pretty tense when I sit there watching you, silently and unblinking.  And I have more than enough lemon scented oil to give everyone a good rub down.  And I do mean rub down, if you catch my drift.  ;)  Heart you guys!

Toodles,
Sgt “Soft Touch” No Ma'am



From: LCpl Wookie
Sent: Saturday, January 08, 2011 03:07
To: Peeps
Subject: What I Dream of Becoming

Greetings of the day,

These last few years serving in the greatest service out of all the military services in the world have been great for me and my life.  I’ve spent many hours meditating and opening myself to a higher plane of conscience in the hopes of discovering what I want to achieve.  And on this day, I have finally come to a decision of what I want to do in my life.

I have decided to become the world’s very first superhero, code-named Bigfoot Ninja.

The combination of my ability to mask my presence, my tree sized legs which could crush coals into diamonds, my tiny head which can fit into any opening to spy on evil, and the hairs on my body that will be used as tiny needles of death, make me the perfect candidate.  I will need no costume or mask, as the shadows from which I will live in will hide my identity and the hair that covers my body like a bad Christmas sweater will disguise me in any setting.  The only nutrition I will require will be the defeat of evil and villainy, saving thousands of mozzarella sticks to feed those in need.  The only exercise I will need are the millions of squats I will do while carrying the hopes and dreams of all the world’s peoples.

I will become the night.  I will make the Beverly Hills Ninja look like an amateur act.  Chewbacca will be jealous of my fine fur coat.  Voodoo practitioners will be shocked at how small my head is.  The world will never see me, but they will know I am there, for they will hear me roar furiously as I sleep, awaiting to awaken and dispense hairy justice.

And for you- the citizens whom I swear to protect even if you are caught in an avalanche and I must warm you up with my body hair blanket, holding you close and breathing hotly on your ears- can always call out for me by shouting the magic phrase, “BLANKALICIOUS BLANKALUFFAGUS!”, five times fast.

As quickly as I appear, I disappear even more quicker!  NINJA VANISH!  KA-POOF!

Heroically,
LCpl Bigfoot Ninja
MTACULAR League of Heroism
Acting Guardian of The Halls of Hair
Senior Board Executive of The Hair Club for Men

This e-mail will explode into a million hairs in 3 minutes.



From: Sgt Big Daddy
Sent: Friday, October 22, 2010 23:16
To: My peoples
Subject: Morale

Greetings,

I think that when we get a goat it should be a boy goat, because girls scare me.

R/S,
Sgt Big Daddy
“It’s raining men, hallelujah, it’s raining men” – The Weather Girls



We do not fuck around when it comes to fucking with other people.

[Tiemoow]

That's so much more amusing than my class' regular gay old people porn.

[Prinny]

It's good to know you're having fun.

[Bij Man]

So today, we had a bunch of Powerpoint classes (which we call "Death by Powerpoint") to cover certain training requirements.  Well, as it just so happens to be my luck, my awesome female boss was one of the instructors today.  And she likes to have fun with her training classes.

What did that mean for today?  Well, what you might not know is that there exists certain pictures of certain people in a certain blonde womanly wig.  Hint: it just might be this guy.  Yeah, it's this guy, right here.

And today, this picture found it's way into the presentation.  Did this produce laughs?  Of course.  Did it bring me down a notch?  Hell no.  Cause if there is anything I know about my Marine Corps, it's that we love doing some stupid shit.  And we're all guilty of stupid shit.  Eleanor Roosevelt said it best when she said this about us:

“The Marines I have seen around the world have the cleanest bodies, the filthiest minds, the highest morale, and the lowest morals of any group of animals I have ever seen. Thank God for the United States Marine Corps!”

And just to top off how awesome my bosses class was, she used 2 Beanie Babies as puppets to act out a scene of extreme racism.  Nice.

[Bij Man]

When you go on deployment, there are 3 games that EVERYONE learns how to play:

Spades

Dominoes

Texas Hold'Em

And you will play these games for hours upon hours and then for a few more hours.

[Golden Joe]

Any strip variations of those games?

[Vordus]

No Cribbage? Or is that just Submarines?

[Domdog]

Who the fuck plays cribbage? Isn't that for like 80 year olds?