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31

Nonsequitur Bullshit / Re: Brotacular Advice

« on: December 13, 2010, 11:25:11 PM »

I think I might not be a "bro."

Sex Panther (lol, just like the Anchorman movie),

You too can be a bro, you just have to believe.  It would also help if you attend my Online Bro College, which will only cost you mere 14 payments of $21.99.  I know what you're thinking, you're thinking, "Bro!  That's like 14 large pizzas with a side of chicken wings!"  But trust me, my main man, it's worth it.

Just look at these recent graduates, who I don't actually call graduates, but winners.  Because they win at life and being a bro:  Winner #1, Winner #2,  Winner #3.

Truly Bro,
Zo-Bro

How do I improve my broette status? What brotivities should I indulge in?

Broette From Another Mother,

First off, your status improves you, not the other way around.  Think about it bro...ette.

But to answer your second question, well, that's easy.  All bros and broettes should take part in the following activities:

• Extreme High Fiving (e.g., doing a high five while skydiving)
• Going to Dave Matthews Band concerts
• Going to the gym for 3 hours (but only work out about 1 hour, the rest you need to be showing off your bod)
• Shopping for new clothes at Abercrombie & Fitch
• Talking about tapping dat ass (male ass or female ass)

I could go on and on about what I do with my bros, but to know them all you'd have to attend my Online Bro College.  See previous advice for more info!

Never Too Bro,
Zo-Bro

32

Nonsequitur Bullshit / Re: Brotacular Advice

« on: December 13, 2010, 11:00:04 PM »

What if there's a girl a like but instead of being a broette she's kind of a...nerd.

Dom (by the way, sweet name for a bro, bro),

Usually girls that are nerds are so not worth your the time on your Fossil watch.  Not to say that there aren't some banging hot nerd girls, like the ones I always see in the videos and movies, but most of the time, you're just like, "Come on bro, for reals?" 

However, I am here to help a bro out and help out a bro I shall!

Of course the answer is to force the nerd girl into a spiral of deep depression until she is swallowed up by nothing but black emotions, when suddenly- ba dun dun na!- a shining white knight of a bro comes riding in on his decked out skateboard, reaching out to her to teach her The Way of The Bro.  Just like Brofucius once said, "If your enemy can not be defeated physically, defeat them by overcoming their outer shell and releasing their inner bro to join you in your kingdom of brovana1, dig?"  You said it Brofucius.

Looking forward to the next addition to our bro posse.

Brocerely,
Zo-bro

1 - The place where all bros go after they pass away.

Another private PM from a bro!

Dear Bro;

IF YOU'RE INTO SOMEONE BUT THEY DON'T LIVE NEAR YOU BUT YOU WANT TO GET SOME DICK WET IN SOME PUSSY? SHOULD YOU GET SOME DICK WET IN SOME PUSSY BEHIND THAT SOMEONE'S BACK OR BE STRAIGHT UP AND TELL THEM TO GET OVER HERE AND GET SOME DICK WET IN SOME PUSSY???????

A DICK IS GOING TO GET IN A PUSSY SOMEWHERE SOMEHOW BUT IT IS A MYSTERY WHAT DICK AND WHAT PUSSY WILL BE GETTING WET.

HIGH FIVE BRO,
BRONONYMOUS

Loud Bro,

Bro, first off, chillax.  Chillax to the max!!!  You're about to be like this tiny bro ->   

Okay, so your problem seems pretty serious bro.  You seem to be stuck in a vagnundrum (vagina + conundrum, if you're new to the brocab I use).  While you might be confused, the answer is quite clear: get as much pussy, whenever and wherever you can.  Don't think too much about getting the sausage boat to dock in tuna town, cause then you'll wind up in an endless loop of "Which pussy do I get!?  This one or this one or maybe that one over there!"

Besides, if it is meant for you to feed some cock meat sandwich to the girl far away, it'll happen.  Whoa, that was some brolightenment shit.

Make It Bro,
Zo-Bro

33

Nonsequitur Bullshit / Re: Brotacular Advice

« on: December 13, 2010, 07:36:18 PM »

i can't handle all this bro

That's what she said!    

brolololol

34

Nonsequitur Bullshit / Re: Brotacular Advice

« on: December 13, 2010, 07:35:19 PM »

How do I get a shy bro guy to get in a brolationship with me?

I see this question a lot, since a lot of bros are afraid that their brolationships can go too far with a broette.  Here's what I always tell them:

• High fives every time you meet.  No hugs or chest bumps.  Reminding your bro that you've got chesticles is a good way to keep him shy.
• Start off slow with the broing.  Broing out on the curb is a good start, then try moving it to brolaxing in a park or in a car at a nearby park (while possibly blazinnnngggg).
• Always Facebook it up when given the chance.
• Don't talk about fashion, unless it concerns how many collar shirts you've worn all at once.  And they were all popped.

These are just a few helpful bro tips, which should be enough to create a stable brolationship.  Just watch out if he starts showing signs of wanting to brocreate!

P.S. If you're talking about a Shy Guy who's a bro, then as long as your name isn't Mario or Luigi, I think you'll be good.

Brospectfully,
Zo-Bro

35

Nonsequitur Bullshit / Re: Brotacular Advice

« on: December 13, 2010, 07:24:01 PM »

First PM for brotastic advice!  Radical.

there is this one girl i'm like total in love with but she likes girls more than guys what do i do

-signed
anonymous

Brononymous,

It's time to get in touch with your inner metrosexual and get used to wearing skinny jeans, some guyliner, and growing out your hair.  You want to know who is a real pro at doing this?  My main dude, Bill Kaulitz.  Look up to him as your brole model and you'll be straight, mystery bro.

Also, lying to her about things she likes but you hate helps a lot too.

Brocerely,
Zo-bro

36

Nonsequitur Bullshit / Brotacular Advice

« on: December 13, 2010, 07:12:31 PM »

Tired of those lame help columns in the local newspaper? 

Is "Dear Abby" being all, like, lamesauce? 

Is Dr. Phil's advice not pro enough for your needs? 

Well don't worry bros and broettes, just like my main pizza delivery guy dropping off a pie and bud, I'm hooking it up with the answer and the brolution to all your problemos.

I'll cover any topic, such as:

• Broners
• Bros before hos
• How to tell your family that you're bro
• Dealing with haters who can't stop hatin'
• Falling in love with a broette
• What to check for in the latest American Eagle Outfitters catalog
• Broing too far
• Brolationships and bromances

Just hit me back with your question on your bro (or broette) problems and this bro pro will set you straight.  For frizzle.

Brocerely signed,
The Brohatmi Ghandi of Bros,
Zo-bro

37

Vidcons / Re: The Slackerz Gaming Community

« on: December 13, 2010, 12:01:34 AM »

I looked it up and all I learned is that it's coming in March for PC with a console version planned for later and will have 16 different endings.
You're welcome for this mountain of info

Thanks, here's some + karma for your brotastic help!

oh wait, we don't do that any more...

38

Vidcons / Re: Your Top 3 Games of 2010

« on: December 13, 2010, 12:00:02 AM »

Top 3 games of 2010:

Medal of Honor

Medal of Honor

Medal of Honor

39

Nonsequitur Bullshit / Re: Music

« on: December 12, 2010, 01:00:52 AM »

During every work shift, I always play one album from a specific band.  That band?  Iron Maiden, for sho.

40

Nonsequitur Bullshit / Re: Thoughts of the Moment.

« on: December 12, 2010, 12:55:12 AM »

When I picked up the magazine "Dog Fancy", I honestly thought I was going to be looking at pictures of dogs in top hats and monocles.

Boy was I disappoint.

41

Nonsequitur Bullshit / Re: What Are You Reading/Watching/Listening To?

« on: December 12, 2010, 12:50:17 AM »

The read did I just fuck?

42

Vidcons / Re: The Slackerz Gaming Community

« on: December 12, 2010, 12:44:58 AM »

I am quite interested in learning some more about the next The Witcher game (Assassins of Kings?), however I am unable to access a lot of sites due to restrictions (including no streaming videos allowed).  Who would like to be a bro and help out a bro in need of a gaming fix?

43

Nonsequitur Bullshit / Re: Thoughts of the Moment.

« on: December 11, 2010, 06:19:15 PM »

You could rub paintbrushes together that are the same gender for a start.

44

Nonsequitur Bullshit / Re: Introduce your stupid self

« on: December 10, 2010, 11:33:22 PM »

The only time I take children is when they're screaming for help inside of a burning orphanage on free ice cream day.

 

45

Nonsequitur Bullshit / Re: What Are You Reading/Watching/Listening To?

« on: December 10, 2010, 04:37:33 PM »

It's malignant.