How awesome is your average care package?
They are all okay, except for this one guy, code name: Rig Dawg. He sends us the most random ass shit ever. Like kitchen knives, delivery menus from local restaurants, random glass jars filled with coffee grounds, crazy stories of him fucking hookers in Thailand, and old patrol reports from Vietnam. He's super crazy, but also crazy awesome
And now, here is what happens when you leave your work e-mail open for people to abuse:
From: Cpl T
Sent: Friday, October 22, 2010 12:50
Subject: Guess What
I think kissing girls is icky and they have cooties. Plus they’re not hairy enough for my tastes.
Cpl "Mr. T" T
From: Sgt No Ma'am
Sent: Sunday, November 14, 2010 08:28
To: More People
Subject: Open Invitation
You know, after these last few weeks here, I feel like we’ve all REALLY connected and bonded. You guys are my bestest buds in the whole world. Such good buds, that I would give you guys a nice, deep, sensual massage if you ever needed one. Some of you look pretty tense when I sit there watching you, silently and unblinking. And I have more than enough lemon scented oil to give everyone a good rub down. And I do mean rub down, if you catch my drift. ;) Heart you guys!
Sgt “Soft Touch” No Ma'am
From: LCpl Wookie
Sent: Saturday, January 08, 2011 03:07
Subject: What I Dream of Becoming
Greetings of the day,
These last few years serving in the greatest service out of all the military services in the world have been great for me and my life. I’ve spent many hours meditating and opening myself to a higher plane of conscience in the hopes of discovering what I want to achieve. And on this day, I have finally come to a decision of what I want to do in my life.
I have decided to become the world’s very first superhero, code-named Bigfoot Ninja
The combination of my ability to mask my presence, my tree sized legs which could crush coals into diamonds, my tiny head which can fit into any opening to spy on evil, and the hairs on my body that will be used as tiny needles of death, make me the perfect candidate. I will need no costume or mask, as the shadows from which I will live in will hide my identity and the hair that covers my body like a bad Christmas sweater will disguise me in any setting. The only nutrition I will require will be the defeat of evil and villainy, saving thousands of mozzarella sticks to feed those in need. The only exercise I will need are the millions of squats I will do while carrying the hopes and dreams of all the world’s peoples.
I will become the night. I will make the Beverly Hills Ninja look like an amateur act. Chewbacca will be jealous of my fine fur coat. Voodoo practitioners will be shocked at how small my head is. The world will never see me, but they will know I am there, for they will hear me roar furiously as I sleep, awaiting to awaken and dispense hairy justice.
And for you- the citizens whom I swear to protect even if you are caught in an avalanche and I must warm you up with my body hair blanket, holding you close and breathing hotly on your ears- can always call out for me by shouting the magic phrase, “BLANKALICIOUS BLANKALUFFAGUS!”, five times fast.
As quickly as I appear, I disappear even more quicker! NINJA VANISH! KA-POOF!
LCpl Bigfoot Ninja
MTACULAR League of Heroism
Acting Guardian of The Halls of Hair
Senior Board Executive of The Hair Club for MenThis e-mail will explode into a million hairs in 3 minutes.
From: Sgt Big Daddy
Sent: Friday, October 22, 2010 23:16
To: My peoples
I think that when we get a goat it should be a boy goat, because girls scare me.
Sgt Big Daddy
“It’s raining men, hallelujah, it’s raining men” – The Weather Girls
We do not fuck around when it comes to fucking with other people.